During my winter hiatus from the busy food truck biz, I have done some long, hard soul-searching. Life has a deeper meaning, more specifically, my life. I did not go to any place far away, like India or Bali. I sat in my ugly, brown, hand-me-down recliner for a couple of hours out of the day and just reflected. I reflected on the 52 years I have been alive and thought, what could I have done differently, or what can I do differently moving forward? Was I impactful? I want to have an impact.
Thoughts flowed as I sat there each day. Sometimes, I felt lazy or unproductive, but eventually, the realization surfaced that every day does not have to be a quagmire of imbalanced tasks. Some tasks are necessary, yes, but others, not so much. I was my taskmaster, constantly circling above my head in an out-of-body experience, throwing tasks one by one onto myself. I wasn't present; I was merely a figment.
Why would I do this to myself? Did all of these things add value to my life? I often find myself managing stuff of little to no value and mismanaging or giving up on the things of value. For example, that Yoga class that keeps popping up on my FB feed at 9:00 am on Thursdays, the morning walk my husband keeps asking me to go on so we can chat and reconnect, 10:00 am Mass on Sunday, or a simple cup of coffee with a friend. Seems so simple, right? But so far away. Why, I wonder?
Let me make something clear on this soul-searching expedition I am on. What surfaced is entirely personal; it does not reflect on my family, friends, colleagues, work, or anything else. It is a personal mission to see if I am on track here, if I am present, and how I can do better. It is better to attain a presence and claim self-awareness, a critical puzzle piece that has been missing for some time. I heard once before, " Nothing will change if you don't make a change."
I started reading journal articles this winter and studying podcasts, Master Classes, and TED talks on what I believed to be the problem - self-awareness. What comes to mind when you hear the term self-awareness? Infants looking in a mirror for the first time and smiling when they see their image? Of course, that is a physical self-awareness. A feeling in the pit of your stomach before you take a test or lean in for that first kiss. Your body adapting to exercising when that lactic acid starts to kick in is a sign of physiological self-awareness. But there is so much more to it, so much more than the physical; it goes all the way down to the core of your being. Down to that part of you that regulates how you tick. It's recognizing your feelings and emotions, coping, core beliefs and values, strengths and weaknesses, empathy, and mindfulness. More often than not, I hear the expression they are a ticking time bomb. All of the above are out of sync.
What can we do to regain that balance and self-awareness? In my winter research, I made it my mission to figure this out. I found this: I am not present and lack self-awareness at times. It may be because I did not set boundaries or keep an open mind. I need to observe how others respond to me. My feelings and behavior affect others' moods in the room. I try at all costs to uplift people, be happy, and emulate all that is good. My family has told me once or twice when my mood is terrible, they feel let down or mad. I get it now. If I get anxious, the entire family is off-kilter; if I yell, they inevitably yell. Realizing how my emotions or feelings affect my behavior and mood is undeniably the forerunner in this expedition.
I need to work on my strengths and weaknesses and determine what I can achieve, which will inevitably help me make better choices in life. Recognize habits that may be less than desirable and be open to constructive criticism. Listen, listen, and then listen some more. Hear what others are saying. Engage without being overbearing or monopolizing the conversation. Keep an open mind.
Own it, but also take responsibility for mistakes. Life is a series of ups and downs. Life is about choices we make, and those choices have consequences. If you are self-aware of your behavior and interactions, you are more likely to make better choices. Making the right choices does not mean that you will never make a mistake, but having that self-awareness will better equip you to deal with them.
As I wrap up my soul-searching mission from my winter hiatus, I just want to reiterate what was said. Self-awareness is the ability to tune in to one's own feelings, thoughts, and actions. When people are self-aware, they understand their strengths, they understand their challenges, and know what helps them thrive. I am going to work on this some more.
